Day 4.

"We need to put that cute picture of you and Sawyer on the blog. And you need to talk about the trick you taught him when you get home."

"I'm not trying to tell you what to do, but I am."

- My beautiful Whitney.

So I guess I'll write about that first.  Since Whitney has been gone, our dog (or my dog if he just peed in the house.) has developed a new habit. Whenever I get home from school or work and I haven't seen him for a little bit, he stands up and leans on my legs until I pick him up and 1.) Give him a hug. I tested it earlier this week and we went a solid 5 minutes of him being annoying and obnoxious until I picked him up and held him.  Or 2.) Throw him on his back on the bed and rub his belly until his long pink tongue is hanging out. After I do one of these things, he usually calms down and will lay right next to me.

He's the cutest.

Unsurprisingly, these past days have been hard. I usually do fine during the day, but at night, my mind starts to wander to the dark places I fight to stay out of. Her not sitting across the aisle from me at work really makes me sad because that was the place where we met.  Some of our best memories are sitting at those computers and making each other laugh.  Making work something that we both looked forward to.  (That says something about how much I love being with this girl.)

It's not the fact that she's gone that's hard, we've been apart before.  It's that she isn't coming back anytime soon even though there are hints around the house that make it seem like she could be home tonight.  You see, my friend and I moved into her house when she moved out and she left little ghosts behind when she left. Her notebook and pen on my nightstand, her razors still in the shower, the pillows that still have a hint of her smell. It looks like she's just gone somewhere and will be returning soon.  That is the hardest part for me.

Earlier today, I asked her "how much longer? 16 weeks?" she replied with, "17 weeks and 2 days."
If that's not a good enough indicator of how slow time is passing for me, just know this: Days feel like they're at least 48 hours, if not longer, nights being 36 of those hours.  I get in the shower after work and by the time I'm done feeling sad and daydreaming about her, I realize I've been in for 20 minutes or so.  So I take my sleeping pills and let my dreams carry me to her. I sleep for 7 hours, wake up, go to school, go home, hug my dog, go to work, come home, hug my dog, walk my dog, shower, sleep, repeat.  Routine has become my best friend this last week. (But, on the plus side, I can listen to all the folk music I want.) If I can just make it from one task to another, things will be okay.  I miss her so much but I know we're going to make it through this.  Just hearing her smile over the phone as she talks about how happy she is makes it all worth it.  She has been wanting to do this for a long time now and it's truly a dream come true. (gag) So, of course I'm happy to let her do this.  Her happiness is my northern star and it's what I live for.


4 days down, 123 to go.  Which is basically nothing.

Wish us luck!

Skyler + Sawyer.

Ps. I told her that once she gets back, I have 127 days of doing absolutely anything I want and she can't dispute that. So this isn't turning out to be all bad.